(Just add child and lots of hot water - towels not required)
by a BSWC Member.
Deborah Kerr sang ‘Getting to know you’ in The King And I, as she was
wooed as the ultimate in second wives, a potential step-mother to dozens
of children by an absolute monarch with a harem of other wives who all
knew their place. So look on the bright side ladies; this could be an
awful lot worse.
If
you are a biological parent you will have nine months at least of waiting
around trying to work out which end of a child is which. You will be
launched into the world of parenting with all the insecurities and pride
of a new mother supported by a supporting cast of family, friends,
midwives, health visitors and doctors. You will most probably have scoured
the shelves for every baby and parenting book and read them avidly cover
to cover, watched documentaries till your eyes are sore and think that
even if you are lacking in actual practise you at least will get top marks
in the theory exam.
If
you are one of the newly stepped you will have just fallen for a man (cue
orchestra playing mushy music, clouds parting to reveal heavenly ray of
sun) and then without doubt the reality will also have hit you with little
or no warning – he has a child (or possibly more than one) and as part of
the deal for this relationship to work you will have to create a
relationship with this little person. The world will in the main
completely fail to take note of this momentous occasion. There will be no
professional support or intervention. I met the little girl who would
become my stepdaughter after two weeks of my first date with her father.
Shock is not a profound enough word as she first put her hand in mine and
with total innocent trust asked me to walk her over to the Pier railings
so she could look down to the sea in safety. The realisation that she
would quite possibly be part of my life forever was a life-changing event
that without any warning at all I’d become a ‘mother’.
Take
a look at Birth of an Adoptive, Foster or Stepmother: Beyond Biological
Mothering Attachments by Barbara Waterman and Loving Someone Else’s Child
by Angela Elwell Hunt for an intelligent discussion of the practical and
emotional impact that can hit you and surprise you by what you don’t feel
- what it really means to become a ‘mum’ to children not your own.
Of
course this child has at least two parents already and while your new
partner maybe ok with the idea of you becoming an extra parent his former
partner and step-partner might not. The children themselves may not
welcome your arrival. On top of this grandparents and extended family on
all sides will be looking askance at you wondering who on earth you think
you are and can you possibly be good enough to care for their little
darling (get thee to the chorus woman and stop trying to upstage the main
players in this farce).
I
found myself completely unprepared for the extent to which I’d be judged
and sheer naked hostility I was about to experience on all sides just for
existing. You will be expected to be as self-sacrificing and loving as any
biological mother can possibly be for her child but on no account at any
time will you be allowed to refer to yourself as or otherwise usurp the
position as, the primary female carer; - even if you are just that and
the biological mother is completely absent, controlling, intimidating and
abusive to her kids, doped out of her skull and just about the worst
example of the female species, she will always be that most worshipped of
creatures – the mother.
You
may be lucky enough to have a child or two of your own so nature has
already marked you as a founder member of the exclusive mothers club. You
will be creating not a stepfamily but that fragile and tempestuous thing -
a blended family.
If
not now you will have to get your head around the notion that children do
not come with a set of instructions and do not have an off switch (and if
you get to hold one small enough to pick up without breaking your back
then take note the bit that screams goes at the top).
Lets
start with the Basics:
Whatever age the children maybe there are a few things you need to bear in
mind:
They didn’t ask for this.
At
the back of their mind is and always will be the dream that you and any
other-parent will get run over by a large lorry and their parents will
realise what idiots they have been and get back together and just
because both their parents have been married and had children with other
people for several decades does not mean the dream will ever get any
less.
There is no right way to be a stepparent – you will have to do what most
biological parents do and make it up as you go along. Take it slow and
gently, talk it over with your partner as you go, and don’t ever go
along with anything that makes you uncomfortable.
There are a million wrong ways but nobody knows them all and everyone
can find imaginative and new ways to screw up. The good relationships
are those where parents –bio and step - work it out together.
You are just one of several people the children can (and probably will)
blame for this situation if they don’t like it– and who else can they
kick back at but the adults? You, as the step parent, are an easier
target than their bio-parents because they won’t feel so much guilt
about attacking or undermining you.
You cannot and should not attempt to replace their birth parent,
especially if they are still in the picture. Children come with an
inbuilt biological link to their primary care givers (note care givers
not biological mother) but that doesn’t make you second best it makes
you something even more wonderful – a generous loving human being who is
prepared to take on someone else’s child and try to care for them as if
they were her own if they and the world will let you. No matter how you
feel about these children you will choose to give a part of yourself to
them when there is nothing to stop you walking away. You may do more for
this child than its own biological mother and unless you also have
children you will not ask the same of your new partner. It’s quite
likely that your new partner will expect you to have an active role and
involvement in the care taking of your stepchildren.
Don’t try to be just a friend to a younger child. Don’t try to be only
an auntie, best mate, or one of the girls – you are going to need to be
in a parental role here at least for part of the time or life is going
to be very complex. You may not be the mother or a parent to that
particular child but you are in the parental role in your home so act
like one! With older children being a friend is often more important and
can put you in quite a strong position as teenagers will look to rebel
from parental controls.
Remember he’s fifteen and a stroppy, moody little g*t . She six and a
contrary little madam – its normal. It’s nothing to do with you being a
step parent. They are just being children – if you aren’t sure ask your
mother what you were like at that age!
Being a step mum will never replace the maternal longings for children
of your own because this little person will always be part of someone
else (and yes it is always going to remind you that your partner had a
relationship with someone else before you so get ready for the ugly
green eyed monster to bite you).
If
you are childless by choice or by necessity – because he or you do not
want any more children or you can’t have kids you
will have to live with the fact that you either cannot or will not give
your husband a very substantial gift that another woman has, which ties
her to him and to you for possibly a lifetime so this child may be your
only shot at parental immortality – and actively parenting another
woman’s child when you cannot have one of your own is absolutely the
hardest thing the world will ask of you.
You can touch this child’s life in the most wonderful positive way just
by setting an example of a being part of a loving couple with their Dad
and by accepting them into your life – they may not show they appreciate
it but you can bet your bottom dollar they will notice it.
Being the Wicked Stepmother – every time you tell them off for doing
something life-threateningly dangerous or just plain rude you had better
prepare yourself for your stepchild thinking you should have a house
land on you at the earliest opportunity. Think about to having to
explain why actually in the original folk stories it’s a wicked mother
but Grimm and Anderson doctored the stories to stepmother. My partner
turned it around by making it cool with a perfect Ali-G Gansta in the
hood impersonation of being ‘WWWicked’ so give the salute and wear your
hoodie with pride laydeezs.
You are going to be completely unprepared for the violations of your
personal privacy, boundaries, and freedoms that are about to land on
you. From finding snot on your favourite jumper to the children knocking
(or not knocking) on the bedroom door just as you and your partner are
rumpling the sheets to every detail of what you look like in the shower
finding its way back to his ex wife and her mother. You may end up
feeling angry and resentful at the time the children (and their mother)
take up and jealous of the time your partner spends on them. It’s ok.
It’s normal. Go spoil yourself or blow off steam to us.
(Good
Advice for the newly stepped – get a good lock on the bathroom door and
invest in plenty of nice potions and lotions (well if you are going to
have to live with this wicked stepmother tag you might as well make the
most of it) so at least you’ll have somewhere to hide – and prepare for
the first time you’ve just sunk under the bubbles only to be called back
to the reality of the youngest wanting to come in so he can go to the loo).
You can legitimately withdraw from active parenting if it all becomes
too much – its
called Disengaging
- but then you will need to accept that you and your partner may be
living as a separate entity from your partner and his children, in
affect two households in one house.
If
you get overwhelmed will your partner understand and support you?
You should talk over with your new partner a few essential basics right
at the start because it will undoubtedly surprise you to just how much
you can differ on some of these issues and how much stress this can
cause. If they are old enough then you may want to widen this out to
then discuss some of this with the children too:
–
What is your role in relation to the children expected to
be and what would you like it to be? Are you going to be an innocent
bystander or a surrogate mother? How will you and your partner explain
this to the children?
–
Finance.
As a second wife you are likely to give up some of your premarital
standard of living as you accept at least
some of the financial responsibility for your partner's children or even
his ex-wife so yes you do have a right to know exactly what impact any
financial arrangements with his former partner and the children stand –
this will fundamentally affect you and any future children you have even
if his former partner thinks its none of your business so go ahead, be
nosey, and ask the right questions. What is paid in the way of child and
spousal support? Is it subject to a court order? What will happen if
someone loses their job or one parent asks for more money? Are these
children likely to go to university and who will pay for that? Will you be
expected or wish to contribute? What happens if someone wins the lottery?
–
Their Mother
– exactly how much contact is there with her, by what means, and what
kinds of things are discussed? How stable is she?
–
Family celebrations? School, religious, and
sporting events? How will it be handled if the children’s mother or
indeed the children do not want you there?
–
Where do they live/visit and will this ever change?
Is there a reason that you could end up with custody?
Is there a court order which dictates contact with the kids? Is there a
restraining order? Are these adhered to?
–
If they are not resident with their father
what will your role be in the visitation? If visitation is only held at
the biological-Mum’s home chances are you will not be invited can you
honestly cope with your partner going off to spend the day with his former
family once or twice a month when you are not welcome to join in.
–
What level of contact is there between the
children and biological-Mum during visits? Is she going to be on the phone
every second or worse on the doorstep because you are going to find it
difficult to establish a relationship with the children in that case.
–
Will there be any alone time for the two of
you together without the kids during visits?
–
If the children live some distance away are
you prepared for all the stress of regularly travelling to collect or
visit the children?
–
How much your-partner-and-child alone time
will there be and will you ever get to be alone with the children?
–
Holidays – Who will look after the kids in the school
holidays and what affect on your working life will this have. I found I
had to juggle the diaries of myself, my partner, his ex partner, her new
partner, and the school holidays, not to mention my attempted mother in
law (surely this is some kind of criminal offence). Cinderella never had
all this bother!
–
Chores – what are you expected to do for them and what are
they expected to do for themselves? Are these children to be treated as
honoured guests or part of the family?
Just who will fix meals, do their laundry, clean them up and cart them
around while they are with you?
–
Discipline. Its good to leave this to the biological
parents at first and then introduce your authority gently with the support
and reinforcement of your partner, but you need to establish quickly what
are the rules at your partner's house and how are they enforced? Ask the
tricky question of when children are disrespectful or disobey you just
how will that be handled?
–
Basic routine – find out just when is their bedtime
supposed to be?
–
Is any court case or other legal activity
pending? Do you think that there should be? Has your new partner and his
ex settled things so amicably they haven’t got around to a deed of
separation never mind a divorce?
–
If your partner has to work or wants to do
something else, will you be expected to baby-sit?
–
If the children are older or adults, what
are the rules about them coming and going in your home?
–
Who has a key to the house? The children? Their mother?
Don’t expect to love his children – then if it happens it will be a
great and happy surprise.
Don’t expect them to love you – if they do it will reduce you to tears
in seconds to discover it but its not a given and even if they do care
they may be ashamed to admit it for fear of upsetting their biological
parents.
Just be you. Don’t try to compete with their mum, don’t go for
superwoman of the year award, don’t try to impose your will on them and
don’t put up with anything you really can’t stand – its your home and
you are going to be the female head of the household, not the kids, not
the ex wife or his mother or your mother; just you.
And finally what’s in a
name?
Initially you may well be introduced to your stepchild by your first name.
One of the first children’s stories about stepfamilies from the 1970’s was
about a stepfather who was called by the children ‘The Ogre’ (from The
Ogre Downstairs by Diana Wynne Jones).
Of
course you and the bio mum may well soon develop other less gentle names
for each other - that woman, the dragon, the witch, psycho bitch from hell
are just a few I’ve heard but don’t ever let the children hear you
badmouthing the other lady. There’s a lot less chance of something
accidentally slipping out if you get used to the mental discipline of
referring to her by something decent (and ‘Her’ is a good put down in
itself). Try to think of her as the children’s mother or just her name if
being constantly reminded of his ex wife hurts you. Its surprising how
many woman will try to cling on to that title with pride even though very
few of us would be happy being referred to as our boyfriend’s ex…and just
because she is their mum doesn’t mean you have to call her mummy.
As
the relationship develops, if you have other children together or from a
former relationship you may take on another name Stepmother, S’mum, Steppy,
Other Mother, Spare-mum, Tia, Auntie, Mardre, mummy-yourname or a personal
nickname chosen by the children. Mummy and Mum should really only be used
with the permission of the child and/or total absence of, the biological
mother, because nothing will bring down the wrath of a caring bio-mum more
quickly than learning that their little angel is calling you mum.
My
stepchild calls me ‘Parent’ “so we are allowed to use parent and child
parking spaces” or ‘my name’ and sometimes ‘mum-myname’
